I can’t remember if I really remember Band-A-Minute, or if I just think I remember Band-A-Minute. Either way, I came across a reference to the old zine section from the 90’s while I was reading a review for Archers of Loaf cd on eMusic. The Band-A-Minute review for Archers of Loaf was simply, “College Was Fun.”

I needed more, so I turned to my friend google. After a little bit of googling, I found a pretty good listing of Band-A-Minute:

Sebadoh – Boy gets kicked out of hip band, writes many songs about it. Boy gets dumped by girlfriend, writes many, many songs about it. Boy gets married, moves to L.A. and has nothing to write songs about.

Jets to Brazil – I swear I used to have a distortion pedal. I swear I used to be enormously influential. I swear this many college kids didn’t always screw to my album.

Dub Narcotic Sound System – Calvin, any of these three notes can be yours. Choose wisely.

Jon Spencer Blues Explosion – BLUES EXPLOSION!!!!!! (these white kids will never know better).

Nashville Pussy – Motorhead RULES!!!! (all these tits and pyrotechnics draws attention from our lousy music)

Modest Mouse – See a retarded boy singing Pixies songs.

Screaming Trees – We’re just big boned, that’s all.

Fugazi – We’re sorry. Two of our members are responsible for hardcore and emo, respectively. We’re much better now, though.

Guided By Voices – I am a heavy drinker who enjoys The Who. You are fired. Now, a high kick.

Trans Am – Hey! Who put that Rush in my Kraftwerk?!

So, after all this goodness, I got to thinking. Hmm…there’s quite a few bands who could use the type of humility that only could happen from Band-A-Minute. What would happen if Band-A-Minute we’re still around today. Perhaps, it would read something like this:

The Strokes – Do these jeans make my ass look big?

LCD Soundsystem – Hey kids! Look at me! I’m dancing!

Sufjan Stevens – When I’m sixty-four I’ll still have more than 10 states to go. What did I get myself into?

Joanna Newsom – It’s not me. It’s the harp. It’s the goddamn harp’s fault!

The Killers – We’re an American band, and to prove it we will do our best Bruce Springsteen.

The Hold Steady – We’re an American band, and to prove that we’re a better band than the Killers, we will also do our best Springsteen.

The Arcade Fire – We’re an American band. Oh shit, we’re Canadian. We will do our best Springsteen, and do it with strings!

The Thermals – Screw you America.

Panda Bear – Mmm…Acid. Who’s there?!?! Is that you Brian Wilson?

Clap Your Hands Say Yeah – Everything sounds better in New York.

Fujiya and Miyagi – Repeat our name three times and Underworld will magically appear in your living room. Didn’t work? Slip this under your tongue and say our name three times.

Tapes ‘N’ Tapes – Did I tell you about the time I met Frank Black? No? Let me sing you a song.

Broken Social Scene – How many Canadians does it take to make a record? I’m thinking 16. Maybe 17.

Deerhoof – I have a short attention span. Do you want to listen to my band? It’s ok if you say no, I’ll be screaming so loud that I won’t even hear your answer. I have a short attention span.

Interpol – You wanna know why I’m so depressed??? Did you know that Ian Curtis committed suicide? That’s why I’m so f’n depressed.