I typically stay away from Top 10 Lists. The internet is flooded with them and every time someone clicks on a Top 10 List that means another piece of real writing dies. But, when I read the Browns were looking to update their game day experience by, amongst other things, bringing some new music into First Energy Stadium, I couldn’t pass up the chance to voice my own, realistic opinion on the songs which should play while the Browns are on their way to another 5-11 season. The Browns are so bad, have been so bad, both on and off the field, they might as well replace the names and numbers on the backs of their players’ jerseys with “Kick Me.” At this point they’re asking to be made fun of. I’ll oblige.
1. Bonnie “Prince” Billy – “I See a Darkness”
Because nothing says slit your wrists quite like Bonnie “Prince” Billy and a Cleveland Browns game.
2. The Dead Milkmen – “Life Is Shit”
Ok, so while this track isn’t exactly new, it does sum the Cleveland Browns fan experience quite succinctly with the chorus, “Life is shit/Life is shit/The world is shit/The world is shit/This is life as I know it.” As a bonus, when you substitute “The Browns are shit” into the song, you get yourself a new stadium anthem in the English soccer tradition.
3. OBN IIIs – “If the Shit Fits”
The Browns also said they wanted newer music. Ok. Here’s new and shit, just like the Browns under current ownership.
4. Jay Reatard – “Oh It’s Such a Shame”
Like that time the Browns got a new owner and that new owner got himself caught up in a one-percenter scheme stealing money from trucking companies. Oh, it was such a shame, and such a Cleveland Browns thing to do.
5. Guided by Voices – “How’s My Drinking”
Because what else is there to do when watching the Browns at the Stadium, at a bar, or at home by yourself besides drinking to the point where your friends and family begin to question whether or not there should be an intervention.
6. The White Stripes – ” Offend in Every Way”
While “Seven Nation Army” has taken over stadiums worldwide, it doesn’t seem like the right fit for the Cleveland Browns. Is anyone really intimidated by playing the Browns at home? Fuck no. A better White Strips song would be “Offend in Every Way,” for like “Life is Shit,” it, too, can be customized. In this case, instead of “Offend in Every Way,” we’ll make it “Lose in Every Way.”
7. M.I.A. – “Paper Planes”
Unlike ownership of other pro sports, having an NFL team is like a license to print money. And the best part is, you don’t even have to try to be successful. Whether your team is 0-16 or 16-0, the NFL’s tv contracts all but ensure you’ll turn a profit. “All I wanna do…is take your money,” indeed.
8. Vampire Weekend – “The Kids Don’t Stand a Chance”
Last year the Browns had more games started by rookies than any other team in the NFL. This year, Pro Football Talk has the Browns rated as the 31st best team (out of 32) going into the season.
9. King Tuff – “Bad Thing”
Is what the Browns do even football? That’s debatable. But, whatever it is, it is bad.
10. Eddy Current Suppression Ring – “Which Way to Go”
Honestly, at this point in Browns history it’s fair to ask, do they even know the basic rules, like which end zone gets a touchdown and which end zone gets a safety?
h/t Kevin from Music Saves for bringing this fun game to my facebook feed. And Kevin Griffin, give me a call, man. I’m free most nights and weekends and I’m serious about bringing the fans a realistic game day experience. I picked out these 10 songs in, what, ten minutes? I can give you 10 or 20 more just like that.